SPOOKY SZN

Spicy content

I’ve been resisting this – this journaling, writing practice. For why? I am trying to figure out. I know as I write the answer will become clearer than it already is floating around in my brain. Writing is what I have to do. I believe it’s at least part of my calling. I’ve gone a few weeks being very sporadic with the practice and have resisted times my body and mind requested I write. And that has made me feel not great and as more time passes and I haven’t written it has felt easier or more familiar, I suppose, rather than easier to deny myself of the practice altogether. I know, I know – so self sabotage-y. I’ve regressed or gone back to some old patterns of making excuses for ‘not having the time’ and telling myself ‘more important things need to be done first.’ I know that isn’t my true self speaking. It’s a combo of other people.

I just had quite interesting inner dialogue while I was poking and prodding myself in the magnifying mirror – aka tweezing – sort of – my unibrow area. This is, as I now see it clearly, a not-great habit I do when avoiding what needs to be done because it gives me the instant gratification hit of removing out-of-place hairs or blackheads from my pores. So, as I’m standing in the bathroom in front of the sink holding a 5x (or something) magnifying mirror and pointy-tipped tweezers looking for which dead skin to attack next and peel from my face with my precision-tip tool, my higher self enters the room and asks, “Leah, what are you doing?” To which I respond, in my head, “just a few more.” My higher self then asks, “Is this contributing to the life we want to live?” To which I respond, in my head, “it’s not not contributing...” My increasingly impatient higher self then asks “is this REALLY contributing to the life we want to live – is this getting us closer to reaching our goals – is this what your highest self would be doing when you still have a full day of uninterrupted time to yourself to do whatever the fuck you want before you pick up Chubbs – is this REALLY what you’re going with?” To which I respond, in my head, “No, it’s not *pluck, pluck* STOOOOPPPP, Leah.” Then, I wiped my tool off, put it away, threw my dead-skin-filled tissue away, grabbed my journal, water, and phone, and headed to the front room where I am currently and began what I’ve been so desperate to avoid – to write.

Next up, writing down my daily bookends – my AM and PM routines. If it is written down, planned out and such, there is a greater chance it will be followed. As I’ve heard before, including in this morning’s Philosopher’s Note, “The Compound Effect”, the greater the challenge, the more rigorous the routine. My routine needs to be more rigorous and tracking is important. I didn’t think of this earlier, but if my routine just lives in my head, it’s impossible to track what is working and what needs to be tweaked, and also that’s a lot of space taken up when I could just download that (write it down) and repeat it daily as it is written down until it becomes habit/muscle memory. Just like my little mobility routine. It’s written down and performed just as it’s written down and is just about memorized. Wow. The answer to so much has been in front of me this whole time and I knew it, I felt it, and eventually – now – am listening to it. Write it down. Everything. G even told me that in our session last week to write down the new awareness of mine and others’ behaviors and conditioning. To write down my experience in Austin. Because we learn from writing – she didn’t say that part, but I’m like duh, Leah. Come on. I’m learning okay. One of my selves just said, in my head, “sure, but you could’ve been learning quicker had you been writing stuff down.” It was said with a humorous tone – so like, any version of me. The universe is funny – glad I am too.

I feel vulnerable about what I’m about to write, but I’m gonna do it anyway. So, lately – the past few months as I’ve really been invested in me for the first time maybe ever, but certainly in a while, I have had many revelations. As I’m meditating, or writing, or just alone with my thoughts, alone in my body and mind I have been witness to so many small wins, growth examples, realizations, successes, warm, joyful moments where I feel proud of myself – like these moments I think “wow, impressive, Leah.” And in these moments I feel the warmth and joy in my body – I feel sexy and turned on by my progress on this growth journey and just really horny? I felt called to write about this now because I’m feeling it now – the flush of my cheeks, the light vibrational hum from my neck down to my inner thighs, the contrast of the chill of my perked nipples and goose bumps over my ribcage and stomach to the warmth and wetness between my legs. I want to touch myself. Writing it down made the urge stronger. I’m lightly grazing where my lips part through my shorts wanting to free my writing hand to lightly massage my nipples through my sports bra. Lightly at first, then a pinch as my other hand moves to massage my inner thighs one at a time, then the crease where my leg and hip meet, lightly grazing my stomach above my waistband, then slipping my hand underneath. I want to massage my clit, moving down to the heat and dampness, slipping one finger then two inside of me getting them nice and wet. I want to use those fingers, my pointer and middle, in an upside down “V” around my lips so my palm/tip of the “V” moves from my clit in a downward motion until the tips of my fingers can press inside of me. I want to do this until I'm on the edge of cumming. I want to slip both fingers inside of me and then to my mouth to taste the sweetness. Then, back to the “V” around my lips, massaging my clit, and pinching my nipples with my free hand until I come. Damn. SPOOKY SZN