Tamagotchi

My hands are cold. It’s cold outside and it’s cold in here. My bottom half is covered with a blanket, but my top half is only in a t-shirt and my arms are fine, but my hands... what I’d do for some of those hand warmers. The little packs you rub until they get warm. I wouldn’t actually do much for them, like I wouldn’t suck a dick. That’s just the first place my mind goes when someone says ‘what I’d do for enter thing they really want here.’ I know I’m not the only person who thinks that. Surely.  

I did the mobility/stretch workout today instead of strength training and I felt less uncomfortable than last Monday, but still uncomfortable. I did it outside with no music and no phone and I brought out a notepad and pen just in case inspiration struck – it did not. My body felt good afterward and when I changed into warmer clothes for my walk I liked them so much and my body felt so good that I thought ‘I think I want to run.’ So, I treated it like I would a run day and I ran for a minute and some seconds and changed my mind and didn’t even feel bad about it. There’s a version of me who would’ve made myself run it out, but I was like... nah, let me not.  

I took a video of myself in my UT tank and leggings – part of my Chubbs walk outfit – and I didn’t wear a bra and there’s no built-in bra like there is with the tank tops I usually wear. So, when I got to the park with Chubbs I was thinking about how I wasn’t wearing a bra under my tank top under my hoodie and how there’s a version of me who would’ve thought that against some rules that had to be somewhere about when and where it’s okay to not wear a bra – at home by yourself. And I’ve really been running with err walking with this idea of life being an experiment and so I did a voiceover saying “Did you know you don’t have to wear a bra if you don’t want to? You don’t have to wear makeup if you don’t want to? You don’t have to keep your hair long if you don’t want to? Just thought you should know.” I’m speaking to myself. All my videos are to myself – to versions of me who need to see this Leah exists and is unapologetically herself and she’s still fucking learning and not taking it all so fucking seriously.  

I have a slight headache. I’ll get up and drink some water in a moment. I think it’s a cold headache... like because of the abrupt weather change. Life is so weird. Bodies are so weird. Being a human is so weird. It’s making me smile thinking about how we feed our bodies and wash our bodies and sleep in our bodies and hydrate our bodies and move our bodies. We are living, breathing Tamagotchis.  

I love you so fucking much, Leah and I am so fucking proud of you. Keep going, keep showing up for yourself, keep shining so fucking brightly.