A wild fucking ride

I’m feeling good today. Yesterday I hit an emotional wall and just had to cry it out. I hadn’t done my 15 minutes with my sad playlist in a while and it was much needed. I started to cry while sitting in the living room with Chubbs and then Z called and I went to my bedroom to get my AirPods and at first thought I was going to call him back. Then, tear-faced, thought better of it and put my AirPods back in their case, then thought actualllllly let’s put these babies back in and play some crying music for 15 minutes. It felt good to cry and I started to let the music keep playing when my timer went off, but it was like 3:21 and knew I couldn’t stay there in that sad place. It was what I needed, but I didn’t need too much of it, ya know? I called Z back after I was finished crying and he didn’t answer and texted back that he was at work. I replied that he had interrupted a crying session when in reality he triggered the thought to have a crying session – he helped me so much in that moment actually. I’m tearing up thinking about it, but it was like my angels made him think to call me before I slipped into a mode that’s harder to get out of.  

This is the beauty of life, one minute you’re up, the next day you’re down and it’s all a wild fucking ride, but it’s all so beautiful. I know I have better words to describe it, so I’ll try. When I was crying yesterday it was a result of my body being overstimulated and I needed to release the pressure – that’s what it was scientifically… I think. It sounds good, accurate. It felt like the sensation you feel when you have to pee, like a lot of pee, and it was simply a miracle that your bottom hit the toilet seat when it did (or hovered) and there’s a sigh of relief, of satisfaction, of muscles loosening and not just the ones that were holding in your pee, your jaw, neck, shoulders, clenched fists – everything just smooths out like when you steam really wrinkly silk. Crying yesterday felt like that. I know there were a swirl of emotions going on in that moment – grief, sadness, guilt, overwhelm, anger, fear. I know the fact that I feel so deeply is a gift and I’m learning how to harness it and will learn better ways to do so for the rest of my life, but man, I can see how past versions of me were so easily overcome by all of it — not knowing a lot of those emotions/feelings/energies weren’t even hers to carry. I know that’s something I need to prioritize in learning how to harness this gift I’ve been given; discern which emotions/feelings/energies vibes are my own and which belong to others. I think yesterday’s were mostly mine and some of Chubbs and likely a little of R’s still because I think that was a high thread count attachment cord lol. I think it was when C died when I found that Reddit thread from someone who described grief like waves that never stop they just get smaller and further apart and not actually wanting them to stop completely even if in the beginning you think that’s what you want. You eventually realize you’re glad the waves still come and bring you a reminder of someone you loved; it means you’re still alive. As I was writing the last bit I saw flashes of moments where I was very emotional for a reason I couldn’t fathom, like at the ranch when S and R were fighting and when I did mushrooms at the M’s and could not stop crying for anything. I know there have been countless times, but those two are significant now because of the people involved and what I’m going through now.  

Now I’m just thinking about taking on others’ emotions as my own and I find it interesting that in this moment I can’t think of times when I took on S’… at least in the way of sadness or grief, like ones where crying frequently happens when feeling them. Agitated comes to mind as being perhaps a frequently taken on emotion of hers. Tense. Disconnected. Now I’m thinking about times I ‘ran away’ or removed myself from situations when I was drinking. And the video on Instagram I watched recently that talked about alcohol removing any intuitive abilities and something about the word meaning soul eater… and that when you’re intoxicated being susceptible to evil entities. I just did a quick ask Siri about the relation between alcohol, the soul and spirituality. Anyway, the time I drove to R’s apartment from my own after drinking and S was staying with me, I just remember knowing or feeling the best option was for me to remove myself from the situation and leave and I know my angels did a solid for me that night because I was in no shape to operate a vehicle. It’s almost like my body has an emergency mode that would engage before I was susceptible to evil and the point of no return. I’ve never had any reason when I’ve ‘run away’ other than feeling like I had to? I thought maybe it could’ve been my subconscious just wanting R to pay attention to me, but not being sold on that because most of the time I was ‘running away’ from R. Interesting…  

Before I forget I wanted to write down something I saw on my walk this morning. I caught the glimpse of wings and looked up to see a vulture I believe with a white stripe on each of it’s wings and then I saw another one not far from it with white stripes on it’s wings as well and I saw them flying straight at each other and because they were so high they looked to be on the same plane, but dodged each other with one going above and the other going under and it was bizarre. And I chuckled because it was birds playing that game…. And I could not think of the name of the game and was almost certain it was a type of bird. (11:11) Then, I thought ‘Turkey!’ And knew that wasn’t right, but felt so close like what other birds are there and then I thought ‘CHICKEN!’ And chuckled to myself.  

I also thought about how often I’ve been writing lately and thinking my vocabulary has expanded even if I couldn’t think of ‘chicken.’ Then, I was thinking all the books I’ve been listening to have definitely helped as well, and THEN I thought also all of the music and lyrics I’ve been listening to and reading has helped a ton. Like it’s given me a poetic edge lol. I really enjoy reading the lyrics to songs now and thinking about the underlying meaning and all the angles and perspectives. Fun stuff. NERD.  

Earlier on my walk I was thinking about the idea I had earlier in the day yesterday about writing descriptions for the clothes I want to sell and thinking I could still write about my clothes and my mind picked out the black Tahari velvet dress with the satin collar and the high leg slit. I thought ‘timeless elegance’ and ‘the satin collar beckons a pearl’ or something like that. Like pearl earrings or necklace/choker.  

I ALSO thought about how I haven’t thought of what I’m doing as breaking any sort of generational cycle until I talked to my parents last night and was telling my mom about the heroic program exercises. The traveling to hell and back one and the one where you imagine attending your own funeral for the best version of you and listening to what your loved ones have to say about you – what kind of person you were and what virtues you had. And my mom just says defensively ‘why do I care what they have to say, why should I care what they think.’ And I compassionately responded that I would want first, people to be there at all, and second, to say kind things about how I impacted their life in hopefully a great way and she responded less defensively and agreed. Then, she said ‘I just like to stay in my comfort zone because the world is a scary place.’ And I just felt sad. Really sad. And after I hung up the phone I showered and thought about what she said and thought about her doing her best at being a mom and raising two kids and being a wife and I do believe she was her best self in raising kids and a family and that was enough. I thought about how I can’t take anyone with me (11:23) on this journey – it’s not my responsibility and I have to be okay with that. So, this morning when I was on my way back home on my walk I thought how I’ve had in the back of my mind that I was supposed to break someone else’s generational trauma cycle – with K or with R – and nope, it’s my own that I can see clearly now. I thought of my mom saying ‘I just like to say in my comfort zone’ as confirmation I’m on the right path, doing the work necessary to break the cycle within my own family. And that is all for now. :)