Remember how much fun we used to have?

Not sure where to start this morning and this guy just said ‘what is life’ then he said ‘there’s literally nothing to talk about.’ Why y’all fucking with me like that this morning? Lol. Makes me think of the truck I followed on my way to the park –it was a cold truck with alcohol ads on it and the one on the back said ‘Live Life Slow.’ Then, the one on the side said ‘some things aren’t meant to be rushed. Savor it.’ And, how beautiful? The message, but not what it was for –alcohol, specifically liquor. Alcohol has been very present in my dreams – like last night I avoided it like it was my job and had multiple drinks spilled on me. So, I guess I didn’t avoid very well. Lol. I just moved to the comfy chair table. Thought might as well be comfy if I’m sittin’ and savorin’ today. Now, I’m thinking about my interview questions. And just the whole thing –not just the questions. And I’m thinking about the reading I did for myself last night and I’m thinking about the channels I watched and the one I watched this morning and the Philosopher’s Note I listened to this morning and the messages in the books that caught my attention in the little libraries. These feel like puzzle pieces –all of it including my dream. The PN was on ‘Brain Energy.’ The first book I picked up was, I think ‘Another Day in the Frontal Lobe.’ I didn’t take a picture of it but I do remember what stood out and that was a line about the frontal lobe being resilient. The book’s author was a brain surgeon and that particular page talked about an unsuccessful suicide attempt because of the placement of the gun/bullet and she reiterated the frontal lobe being resilient. Although I don’t believe she used the word resilient. But I read it to mean resilient I guess because that’s what’s coming to me now. I had an intuition or message come through the other day while I was napping/meditating and it was ‘it wasn’t mine’ –it wasn’t his –and Twitch, I can’t think of his name, but he was the dancer/DJ who was on Ellen and he committed suicide and I just had this download of knowing his state when he did it and those thoughts and feelings and the darkness that drove him there wasn’t his. I suddenly had this knowing he was an empath who hadn’t learned how to protect his energy or how to shield himself from darkness that didn’t belong to him. And I don’t believe I’ve written about it until now –I may have made a note in my dream journal, I’m not sure. Just took a potty break and the song playing sounded like it said ‘go slow.’ That’s not what it said, but the lyrics are interesting. ‘Here you are, you know, I was just waiting for you / I was waiting for you for a long time / so much so that I was about to leave.’ ‘You are the deepest reason / of my every gesture / the most incredible story / that I know / I know / here you are like a hurricane of life / and here you are, I don’t know how you managed it / take me from my sleep shake me / and reactivate my heart.’ Whoa. Okay, that’s way off topic. OR IS IT? I don’t know yet. But back to today’s puzzle pieces. When I read that little bit of the ‘frontal lobe’ book I thought about my own suicidal ideation –err, I don’t know what to call it. There have been two times in my life when I wasn’t sure I wanted to wake up. Both times I had been absolutely drunk out of my mind, blacked out, and woke up with the most horrific hangover. Both times I questioned how I had gotten to where I was and bits and pieces of the night before would replay in my mind and I would, just for a moment, wish I hadn’t woken up. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel so sad for that version of me who was waiting for someone to save her. Just a child crying out for attention waiting for someone to hear me. No one ever came. And I kept drinking. I never again got as drunk as I had those two times, but I realize now each sip I took added to the subconscious beliefs that I wasn’t good enough –that I needed the alcohol to be fun, to be seen –to fit in. Every sip supported the belief that I wasn’t worthy. Every sip was an act of self-sabotage. I’ve been sober since October 1, 2023 and Leah who drank has been visiting me recently. She’s been whispering to me in my dreams and when I’m feeling sad. She’s been with me while I sit in the shower crying. She’s been asking me ‘remember how much fun we used to have?’ ‘Remember when we didn’t have to face this painful stuff... ‘All you can, you gotta take this life and live it, and never let it go.’ Those are the English lyrics of the song playing right now. Timely y’all. But back to what past Leah has been asking me –if I remember the time when I didn’t have to face the painful stuff and could just avoid it and have ‘fun.’ She doesn’t realize I have a very different definition of fun than I once did. She doesn’t realize we are never ever getting back together. I’m glad to know why that song has been playing recently. What else did that Leah believe? How can I get you to let go, Leah? Is that also why the beer smell, the skunk smell, and the swisher sweets? Were all those trying to get me to let you back in? Okay, going to meditate on that. One moment. Thank you. So, what came up –let's talk about it –we started out seeing ourselves from Chubbs’ eyes and he had the voice of the dog(s) in ‘A Dog’s Purpose’ or ‘The Art of Racing in the Rain’ –is it always the same soothing older male voice? Lol. But he said ‘sweetheart, you’ve come so far –you're not that girl anymore.’ And to think he’s watched me grow up just as I’ve watched him grow up brought me to tears. Then, I asked her, not-sober-Leah, how I can get her to let go? She said ‘talk about me, honor me, don’t forget me because you are me.’ So, I guess that’s what’s next. Not the interview, eh? She deserves to be honored. The addict. Damn. Chat GPT, y’all. Thank you for reminding me of this tool. ‘Let her become a teacher, not a shadow.’ She will always be a part of your story, but she doesn’t have to be the one holding the pen anymore. I am. Thank you, Leah. For keeping me alive even at your lowest. Thank you for showing such strength and not succumbing to your darkest thoughts. I love you so much and I am leading now. I am safe now – we are safe now and you no longer have to carry that burden of protecting me. Alright, let’s walk this out. Twas deep. I love you, little weirdo <3 and I am so fucking proud of you.