u look like BT

Owwwww owww it’s a full moon. I don’t fucking know. But it is actually for real a full moon. Um, yeah. Anyway. I had this epiphany on my walk earlier. I had decided to do another lap and then when I was making my way around the curve and could either turn left toward the park/playground or straight and continue my lap, I felt a pee coming on. And it felt slightly annoying and just inconvenient and like ‘oh my goodness, Leah, we just went.’ And I realized this feeling wasn’t okay. Like, it wasn’t okay to be so hostile toward myself just because I needed to pee. Then, I realized I felt in my body like I was going to get in trouble. I feel that often when I need to pee for the millionth time. I feel this all the time, not just on my walk with the restroom a distance away, but at the house too. Like I have to get all of the pee out of me so I don’t have to go again any time soon because I recognize I don’t like the way I feel in my body. When I had this realization I was listening to a TikTok –err trying to listen to one, but it was buffering which was my cue to lean into what I was feeling and save the video for later, so I leaned in and I recorded a video about what I was feeling and that I had to talk to myself and tell myself it’s okay to use the restroom when I need to and I’m not going to get in trouble. And then I walked to the restroom, peed, and continued my walk. And as I was walking to the restroom I leaned in more to what I was feeling and realized I was reparenting myself and had revealed this subconscious belief that I’ve had since I was a child. I am inconvenient and my body is a burden. That’s what I’ve been carrying since who knows how old. Since at least the moment when I had to pee in my dad’s cooler. Is that when it started? Or had I been punished/scolded before for having to use the restroom at inconvenient times? I’m not sure. I recorded a third video tying the subconscious belief stemming from being punished because of needing to use the restroom at inconvenient times and that’s such a fucked reason for punishment. Really most things are fucked reasons for punishment... we’re not meant to punish other humans. So, I guess all punishment is pretty fucked. But that’s what we’re taught. We will be punished for doing ‘bad’ things. But ‘bad’ is subjective. Anyway, someone commented on one of the videos on YouTube that I looked like BT “u look like BT” was the exact comment. So, I turned to ChatGPT and asked what that meant and it listed some possibilities. One of the possibilities was the commenter could be referring to the musician, Brian “BT” Transeau. A quick google image search confirmed that is exactly what the commenter meant. Because of my hair, but also, there are some similarities in our faces. There’s a photo of him sitting in front of his sound board and in the same shoot (I’m assuming because he’s wearing the same shirt and his hair is styled the same) in another photo he's standing in front of a wall of guitars and these look the most like me. It’s pretty funny. Because the hair. What else... I don’t know, I’m tired. I’m going to sleep now. I love you so fucking much, Leah. And I am so fucking proud of you. And I really like your hair.