You must really like shitting your pants

Safe to say it’s been an eventful morning. I think I’m getting the message for this morning. It is letting go of caring what people think. First, so far everyone I’ve passed on my walk has been in short sleeves or a tank top or sleeveless – the man who just walked into Minuti (arrived by vehicle) is wearing a jacket as confirmation of what I’m going to write about next. Seeing the first woman jogging in leggings and a t-shirt had me thinking ‘brr,’ but also ‘could/should I have worn fewer layers?’ Then, I think I saw a few more runners cross my path in shorts and t-shirts and then a girl walking her dog in shorts and a tank top. And I thought it again – like, dang, Leah – should we be cold training? I asked that out loud I think lol. Then, before I reached Memorial to turn I thought ‘ohhhhh, this is a message for later.’ I said out loud ‘y’all are like you better not cover up that dress.’  And while it is a message for later, it’s also a message for always. I had the conscious awareness at a point that what I was feeling was my ego.  

Then, as I turned onto Memorial or maybe at the same time of becoming aware of my ego – a dog was just barking across the street and I had the thought of my ego barking the loudest. Whereas, my intuition is subtle and doesn’t need to bark or make any sound at all – I’m having an aha moment.  

Music just started playing and I was thinking how nice it was that it hasn’t been playing. But, if that’s not confirmation of ego reacting to external triggers then I don’t know what is. But, y’all know I’m shazaming this. Parla con me – “if you want to cure yourself, little by little you have to love yourself.” Thank you. Little by little. Step by step. I understand I’ve been letting my ego decipher these songs too… I’m learning. A guy in a burnt orange UT t-shirt. Thank you.  

Back to the message of the day-related events. So, as I became aware of my ego being responsible for my state of self-consciousness moments prior, I felt the mostly sudden urge to use the restroom – both one and two and two had more suddenly become critical. I had used the Starbucks restroom for the first time yesterday and it was a parable moment. I need to look up to see if I’m using that correctly – I just heard the guys talking about it on Friday – the story about the man who needed saving from a flood and he knew Jesus was going to save him so when a boat came by he declined their help and said Jesus was going to save him. Starbucks was my boat and I did not decline and I knew they had a restroom because me and one of my earth angels, J, went inside earlier this week. EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE, ALL AT ONCE. IT’S ALL CONNECTED, YO. So, yesterday I just had to pee. Today, was slightly different and I had just been thinking about the message I had been given Friday and had the revelation about Saturday in the Starbucks restroom about being in control of my body. So, I was telling myself ‘you’re safe, you’re in control of your body’ and then it became ‘we’re ALMOST there, keep it in.’ Then, honestly, to my surprise because of the consistency I guess, I was not able to keep it all in. It was just enough to be enough lol. Then, ego made another appearance. ‘We should go home – you’ll smell like shit and it’s just gross, guess we’re not in control of our body. Guess you’re meant to start getting ready for the show earlier than you thought by taking a long shower to think about what just happened and maybe shame yourself some or a lot.’ I didn’t actually complete any of those thoughts, but that’s where ego was headed. Instead of letting ego win, we cleaned up and kept walking. Ego kept trying, but we didn’t back down. Compassion and intuition were like ‘dude, we’ve done this before and it’s not just us, we have patience and understanding and nurturing – and that’s only a handful of the team, you’re not going to win.’ I want to note that (I wrote ‘I should note’ first and then…ya know) along with the larger message, there was the sub-lesson – I have control of *what I put into my body* and control of physiological responses to an extent, but this is still a human body I’m renting … I deleted the renting part and wanted to think of something else, but I thought it was humorous so back it went. But, it brings up another perspective or lesson or … I’m not sure what to call it. Whenever I think of renting something I think of C and K’s outlook on rental vehicles and how they treat them and then say ‘it’s a rental’ as if that justifies treating it poorly and without respect. R actually said something about the gym equipment being rented and they weren’t breaking or destroying it, so it was fine how they were treating it. Damn, y’all. So many messages. I want to note that I have never agreed with that perspective, err, do hotels count? I don’t think so… I mean, in the past I’ve enjoyed cranking the A/C when it’s hot out, but I haven’t stayed in a hotel since waking up so I believe I would treat my experience differently because I’m an ascended version of myself.  

Back to pooscapades. After cleaning as well as I could in a Starbucks restroom, I thought ‘what about the smell?’ So, back to first grade I went or whatever grade I was in. But, this did not knock me off course. I cleaned with water AND soap until satisfied with the light to almost non-existent smell. I mean, there’s definitely still a smell though because I am human and without the appropriate time allowance with the limited tools I had, could not produce a miracle. I could not *gust of wind as confirmation of the thought I’m about to write* - I could not produce a miracle in the physical world, however, my highest self’s handling and perspective of the event was a miracle and made my spirit team so proud.  

Ego is persistent and attempted to knock me off course my entire walk to Minuti. ‘You really think we should get caffeine right now? You must really like shitting your pants. Have you just given up? You wanting to make a name for yourself?’ I just blanked on what name I thought of earlier – it was something like poop bandit potty pooper coffee shop shitter. Idk. I just totally zoned out for a sec and took in the song playing ‘The way you look tonight.’ Anyway, ego tried – pulled out all the stops – even attempted masking as intuition and making sense of the ‘444s’ we saw on the way over to Minuti. I was not dissuaded and kept on my path and had to pee when I arrived so I was going inside no matter who won out – ego or intuition. When I walked inside there was a woman with a few books stacked on her table and she was writing and I knew that was a synchronicity. Just shazamed the song because a lyric stood out – wonderland by night by Engelbert Humperdinck. Then, when I sat down in the restroom I realized there was no music playing – another synchronicity. I placed my order and sat outside in the quiet and only now am I realizing how protected I am in every moment. I can hear and feel my intuition best in the still moments and that is why there was no music playing when I got here. Intuition is calm and is present and is best felt when my nervous system is regulated. Ego is not those things. And today, here at Minuti, realized ego is triggered by external stimuli – specifically the fear of what others think about me. Y’all really testing me today lol. Y’all even topped off this poosperience with judging looks from the DEAN OF CLEAN pressure washer, deep clean guy with his reusable cup AND the baristas. Your humor is not lost on me – I really appreciate it so fucking much. Thank you. The guy sitting in front of me at a table who has been on the phone just kicked his feet up in the air back and forth like a kid as I typed how I appreciate the humor and even these moments of confirmation are so *chef’s kiss*. I know these experiences and moments are preparing me for the judgement of others to come. I know this is only the tip of the iceberg. Please don’t release the shit gates at Encanto as like a final exam or anything. Can you imagine the mess in that dress? OH MY GOODNESS. THAT BLACK MIRROR EPISODE. ‘Ew David’ actress shit herself on purpose to escape the matrix or whatever. Gah, this puzzle is so detailed. I am so impressed with y’all and myself. And I haven’t forgotten Cali’s Juice Bar lady mentioning how Houstonian’s love their fragrance yesterday. ‘I fall in love with you / in all senses’ M'innamoro di te  

‘No one else could love you more’ More by Andy Williams and the music reached a crescendo – what a beautiful confirmation, y’all.  

I love this wonderful life of mine :) I love all of me. I see all of me. And I’m thinking of the Encanto song I listened to before my walk – no words can capture how I feel right now. Mmm. Monkey holding a strawberry? I’ll think about that -it was just on a guy’s shirt who walked in. Okay, this was wonderful. I am in control of my attention – so much writing. Love it. A piece of me just thought how I want to write about my observations at the gym on Friday, but those aren’t so much needed to know myself more. External. I’m learning y’all. :)