Sexual awakening

I started my period this morning. I felt it and had a little spotting when I used the restroom. I was a few pounds heavier when I weighed and for a second, I had the thought of ‘oh, it’s probably because you ate after 6,’ and then when I saw myself in the mirror and saw my naked profile and how my lower belly was out just a little more than usual, I remembered I was on my period and who fucking cares if I ate after 6 – I needed the nourishment. And I thought, for the first time ever I think ‘I love my body.’ Like actually felt it with all my being. Also, in the restroom at Minuti I had the thought of just how much I love my body. And I thought how I haven’t always treated my body very nicely. I used to be so mean to my body. I used to be so mean to myself. I used to conditionally love myself and how I looked was one of the conditions. How I treated others – how much I gave of myself to others was another condition. When I didn’t keep my promises to myself, I loved myself less. When I did things I was ashamed of I loved myself less. Drinking, watching porn – I felt like if I didn’t write those down the words were going to jump out of my mouth. Gotta bring it to light, Leah. ‘Now or never’ is what this pen says and it just stared me down and I rolled my eyes. Lol. Okay, porn and masturbation seem to be the next topics of discussion that are being asked to be brought to light. I think. ‘I treated myself like I knew I would – I told you I was trouble – you know I’m no good.’ That Amy Winehouse song is playing right now. ‘I cheated myself’ or ‘treated.’ Hmm. Such a tricky topic. Yes, it feels so shameful. It’s like embarrassing. I’m thinking all the things. How does one make it not so... taboo. Um. I used to believe pleasure was only supposed to occur between two people. And that self-pleasure was shameful. I had my sexual awakening at a young age as I could guess most girls do – I'm not sure what age I was When Casper whispered ‘can I keep you?’ in the 1995 classic, Casper, something was awakened within me. You could say it was my sexual awakening. I realize only now that I was easily auditorily stimulated. Devon Sawa (Casper) and Johnathan Taylor Thomas (Simba) had a hold of 5-year-old Leah like no other. An ant appeared on the table and has been circling for the past few minutes so I took a brief pause. I heard the guy on patio say ‘patience’ he was thanking the person on the other end of the line for being patient and he said ‘I’m not as well-versed as you.’ This ant is acting peculiar. It's like it wants to crawl on my hand. I just gave it a lift to the wall/pillar next to me. It hopped on my finger. It was just asking for a ride? How odd. Okay, need to walk on this. I love you, little weirdo <3